Posts by theendive

Sotomayer Defends Renting Big Top Pee Wee

By theendive, 22 June, 2009, No Comment

Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor went before the Senate Judiciary Committee today to defend her rental of the critical flop “Big Top Pee Wee.”

GOP senators wanted to know why Sotomayor would opt to rent Pee Wee Herman’s weakest movie vehicle when “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” and episodes of “Pee Wee’s Playhouse” are so readily available.

“I do not believe that Big Top Pee Wee was indicative of a week effort on Mr. Herman’s part,” said Sotomayor, “In fact, I found it highly creative that Mr. Herman was able to integrate a farm, a circus, cranky old people, and whimsical science into one movie.”

Republicans wanted a more thorough explanation from Sotomayor.

“I want a more thorough explanation,” said Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama, the top Judiciary Republican, “You want to call the premise creative? Fine. The fact remains that the movie sucked balls and blew ass. There was too much farm and circus crap and not enough Pee Wee Herman. It blew phlegm chunks on a Gigli scale.”

Sotomayor noted that the Supreme Court’s only current female justice, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, was a fan of Big Top Pee Wee.

“Take it from a smart Latina,” said Sotomayor, “This movie is for everyone. Justice Ginsberg calls me every week to share stories and laugh about the Flying Piccolapoopola Brothers. We also both laugh out loud every time we think about Pee Wee’s hot dog tree shrinking into a cocktail wiener tree.”

Sessions was unimpressed.

“I’m unimpressed,” said Sessions, “The cocktail wieners were a lame plot device and the Flying Piccolapoopola Brothers all got engaged to one woman. That’s criminal. This committee must recommend that Judge Sotomayor rethink her position on Big Top Pee Wee and consider joining the rest of the nation in its love for Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.”

Even Democrats agreed at the Pee Wee’s Big Adventure was the better movie.

“I agree that Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is the better movie,” said Senator Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., “Just last week I convened a congressional committee to launch an investigation of Francis Buxton for the theft of Pee Wee’s bike. We have a lot of information on what was going on that night.”

Sessions joined in with Leahy in a Pee Wee voice.

“Jupiter was aligned with Pluto!” said Sessions, “The moon was in the seventh… Hey, where are you going?”

Sotomayor left the committee hearing before Session could finish his Pee Wee impersonation.

“Sorry,” said Sotomayor as she left, “This hearing was scheduled to be from three to four PM. I have to go shoot the cover of Elle and then I’m hitting an Outback Steakhouse for a Bloomin’ Onion. See you guys at the next session.”

“Fine,” said Sessions, “I know you are, but what am I.”

Christopher Lee, Paul McCartney & Elton John go in search of Holy Grail.

By theendive, 19 June, 2009, No Comment

From The Endive…

After being knighted by the Queen of England, 87-year-old actor Christopher Lee joined fellow knights Paul McCartney and Elton John for an impromptu trek into the black forest in search of the Holy Grail.

Clad in full-body armor and carrying a 12-foot lance, McCartney mounted his grey steed to invite Lee on his first adventure as a knight.

“I’m looking forward to all the benefits of knighthood,” said Lee, “I’m told that includes chaste women who throw themselves at you, rather large dragons which require slaying, and a thoroughly dramatic duel with the Black Knight.”

Elton John confirmed that Lee would, in fact be facing the fabled Black Knight, but not in the black forest as originally thought.

“The Black Knight hasn’t lived in the black forest for years,” said John, “We’ll be taking a little trip across the water so Sir Christopher can have his first true duel. I think he’ll really dig the fair maiden he stands to win in this one, too.”

According to Britain’s Daily Mail, McCartney, John and Lee headed to Heathrow Airport, where they checked their lances and horses, and flew first class (in full armor) to Los Angeles.

It was right there in L.A. that Sir Christopher Lee, clutching a broadsword and an iron shield had his encounter with the Black Marion “Suge” Knight.

Lee performed well as expected, even under threats that Knight would “put a cap in his ass.”

Knight’s ass-capping attempts proved ineffective against a fully armored Sir Christopher Lee. The 87-year star of the Lord of the Rings Movies quickly sidelined Suge by parrying his gun away with the iron shield and whacking him directly atop the head with the scabbard of his broadsword.

“The maiden is thine,” proclaimed McCartney as Beyonce emerged from Knight’s limousine.

“Are you chaste?” was the immediate inquiry of Lee, but he quickly shook off his doubts, “No matter. Tonight, you will know what it is like to joust with the mightiest lance in all of Camelot! Sir Paul, Sir Elton, let us pour the wine and feast upon large turkey legs!”

“I’m all about that, baby,” added Beyonce.

McCartney indicated the quest to find the Grail would continue in nearby Las Vegas, at its last known location, Bally’s.

Ahmedinejad: Hope and Change are here.

By theendive, 17 June, 2009, No Comment

From The Endive…

Newly re-elected Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad used his victory speech to announce that hope and change have finally come to Iran after eight years of failed policies from the Bush administration.

“First, I want to thank everyone for electing me,” said Ahmedinejad, “I could not have done it without you. You said ‘Yes we can,’ and yes, we did!”

Ahmedinejad remained humble, amazed that even he could be a public figure in Iran.

“Most people never would have thought that an Iranian Muslim named Mahmoud Ahmedinejad could become President of Iran,” said Ahmedinejad, “After all, my father grew up herding goats. But that’s the beauty of Iran – It’s a place where even a Muslim man can rise above and lead the free world.”

Ahmedinejad was interrupted by shouts of “We love you Mahmoud!”

“I love you back,” replied Ahmedinejad.

Ahmedinejad also paid tribute to those who came before him.

“Iran was founded on ideals and bloodshed,” said Ahmedinejad, “Ayatollah Khomeini, George Washington, George Jefferson and those who came before them made a strong commitment to the freedoms that we enjoy in Iran today. Wait a second, can somebody cover that woman? Done? Ok. Where was I?”

Ahmedinejad apologized for Iran’s shortcomings over the last eight years.

“Over the last eight years of failed Bush policies, we have strained a lot of relationships that must be rebuilt,” said Ahmedinejad, “We made a promise to obliterate Israel and how fair is it to them that we have not carried through on that promise? On the one hand, the filthy Jews have struggled hard to develop the land that we will someday take from them, but on the other hand, we must not be afraid to nuke them off of the map. This is something we must all agree on.”

Ahmedinejad then tried to chart the course for the coming term.

“Of course all of this hope and change won’t happen over night,” said Ahmedinejad, “We must first achieve nuclear power without accidentally irradiating an entire city. But we will dream big. In our time, we will build a weapon capable of vaporizing every infidel. May Allah bless you, or destroy you. Whatever’s appropriate.”

Ahmedinejad left for his mansion in his brand new armored Hummer Limousine.

Read more satire at The Endive!

New iFlan has more Features than Flan

By theendive, 12 June, 2009, No Comment

From The Endive…

Apple announced the release of its new iFlan, which touts 200 more features than flans of the past. The announcement came at a much-anticipated press conference yesterday, covered by hundreds of live bloggers.

“The new iFlan will revolutionize the way people use flan,” said a spokesman for Apple, “This iFlan has a built-in camera and the most advanced touch screen ever put on a flan.”

The iFlan looks similar to current dishes of flan, save for world’s only touch screen suspended within soft caramel.

“Typical flans of the past were nothing but caramel custard with a layer of soft caramel at the top,” said Suzy Barnes, one of many people who had nothing better to do than blog from the press conference, “There’s something new and exciting in every slice of iFlan – like 32 gigabytes of storage and creamy smooth social networking utilities so comprehensive, this flan can taste you!”

Steve Jobs did manage to make a brief appearance at the event but didn’t say much.

“I asked for some flan and this is what happens?” said Jobs, “And what the f**k are all of these bloggers doing here? Can they type faster than the TV cameras broadcast?”

After jobs excused himself to “go across the street and get some f**king sushi,” representatives from Apple unveiled pictures of the new iFlan and reviewed pricing information.

“The top-of-the-line iFlan only costs $299,” said Barnes, “Plus, Apple is dropping the price of the old flan down to $50 a serving. $299 is a small price to pay for an iFlan with an operating system that allows you to cut and paste.”

Also of interest to bloggers at the conference was the iFlan’s built-in global location system. The system allows people to track the location of their flan any time, anywhere.

“Misplaced flan has been such a huge problem worldwide,” said Barnes, “Now we’ll all know where to find our iFlan at the touch of a button. This is the kind of security and peace of mind that only Apply can give us.”

It remains to be seen if the new iFlan will suffer from the same glitches that the previous flan had when it was released. Apple has promised to stand completely behind its iFlan.

“This is, without a doubt, the most advanced flan ever,” said a spokesman for Apple, “If you have any problems with this new iFlan, call us. We’re so confident, that if there’s a problem, we’ll eat it ourselves.

China Cures H1N1 to Get Rid of Ray Nagin

By theendive, 9 June, 2009, No Comment

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From The Endive…

Chinese officials announced Sunday that scientists from Beijing successfully cured H1N1. Beijing’s best physicians convened to destroy the virus, sometimes known as swine flu, after it was discovered that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin had been quarantined in their country.

“We quintupled our efforts and created an anti-virus unlike any the world has seen,” said Dr. Xuang Huan, “We all worked together with one goal in mind: Get Ray Nagin the f**k out of our country.”

Nagin was pleased to be the first person to receive the H1N1 cure, but was somewhat critical of his treatment by the people of China.

“Of course I’m happy I don’t have to deal with that swine flu,” said Nagin, “I just don’t think these Chinese people were doing enough to help minorities with problems like this. It’s a good step that they focused on curing me first. Now if only we could work with them on how to build a levee, how to park school busses, or how to loot a grocery store. I have lots of information for these people but they seem to want me to leave.”

Chinese officials were quick to indicate that Nagin’s help wasn’t necessary.

“I’d say thank you to Mr. Nagin, but I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” said Chinese Minister of Foreign Affairs Yuan Chan, “First of all, we don’t do much for minorities here because we don’t have minorities. We’re all Chinese. That’s basically it. Everything else gets shuffled off to Tibet to get eaten by Yaks. We’re also high enough above sea level that we haven’t had much need for levees. I’m just glad our scientists were able to cure H1N1. Everyone at the foreign ministry supported them 100%. We all just want Ray Nagin to get the f**k out of China.”

Chinese officials even went as far as to pull a Concord out of retirement to jet Nagin back to New Orleans.

“I didn’t even know China had Concords,” said Nagin as he was shoved onto the plane by a horde of Chinese citizens, “This is nice. What’s the movie? It better be a good one. I want to watch Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.”

Meanwhile, the people of New Orleans awaited their returning Mayor, hopeful that he had learned something useful during his time in China.

“Mayor Nagin, we’re still here,” said Joseph Calhoun, a resident of New Orleans’ ninth ward, “We’d like to have our neighborhood fixed now, please. Hello? Ray?”

Added Nagin, “Let’s stop for some Mongolian barbeque.”

Read more satire at The Endive!

Special Olympics Scraps Wheelchair Water Polo

By theendive, 4 June, 2009, No Comment

From The Endive…

The Special Olympics has decided to put an end to its new Wheelchair Water Polo event, citing a catastrophic first outing.

“As we were setting up the nets, I started to have second thoughts,” said Special Olympics coordinator Terry Green, “I knew we were in trouble as soon as the athletes tried to wheel down the steps into the pool.”

What followed didn’t bear much semblance to a water polo game, but rather a flotilla of partially submerged wheelchairs and the occasional waving hand or floppy foot.

“I suppose it wasn’t the brightest idea in the world to strap them in,” said Green, “We just didn’t want anybody to fall out of the wheelchair in the water and drown. We’re just thankful no one was seriously hurt.”

Spectators were surprised that none of the athletes were injured, especially when the situation worsened.

“Things seemed to be going a little askew,” said Gina Simmons, who was on hand to watch her brother Lonnie in the inaugural game, “I just knew we were in huge trouble when our star player, Joey Ramirez came speeding towards the pool in his electric wheelchair.”

To make matters worse, Ramirez had expressed worry before the event that his wheelchair would run out of charge, leaving him helpless. Therefore, he had acquired a large extension cord and plugged his power-chair directly into the wall.

“It was just terrible,” said Simmons, “This was this loud ‘Szzzt!’ The ball went flying straight up into the air, then all the lights blew.”

According to technicians from a local power company, the lives of the athletes were spared thanks to Ramirez’ power-chair, a 600-volt unit with a large-scale capacitor that allows to it store significant amounts of electricity. Its power output immediately overloaded the grid and killed the power to the entire city.

The power company had power restored in only four weeks.

President Obama sent his sympathy and encouragement to the athletes.

“I’m sorry to hear the wheelchair water polo game didn’t work out,” said the President, “But as a consolation, I have invited all of the athletes over to the White House to take me on in bowling. I think they’ll find my bowling style quite familiar.”

Officials from the Special Olympics sent personal apologies to each athlete and are currently looking to replace wheelchair water polo at later events. Unconfirmed reports show the Special Olympics Committee is considering wheelchair base jumping or wheelchair curling.

Read more satire at The Endive!

Kim Jong Il Goes to Dollywood for Date Night

By theendive, 1 June, 2009, No Comment

From The Endive…

Not to be outdone by the Obamas, North Korea’s Kim Jong-il, his wife Kim Young-suk and his three mistresses snuck out to Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, for a date night.

“We look forward to riding the Dizzy Disk, the Lucky Ducky, and the Piggy Parade,” said Kim Jong-il as he entered the park, “Then we’ll catch a show at the Southern Gospel Museum and Hall of Fame. After that, I’m looking forward to a little Kim Young-suk time, if you know what I mean. Come on ladies. Let’s get moving to the rides or else I’ll test a nuke on you, ha ha ha!”

The Jong-il entourage was seen throughout the park, including the Dreamland Forest, Dolly’s Demolition Derby and the legendary Tennessee Tornado roller coaster. Unconfirmed reports indicated that Jong-il managed to win a ‘cupie doll’ for one of his mistresses, but later elected to keep it for himself, claiming she wasn’t good enough for ‘Little Kim-Kim.’

As the park closed, the entourage of North Korean nobility wasn’t ready to call it a night, so the date continued – at a nearby Wal-Mart.

“We are going camping!” said Kim Jong-il as a greeter welcomed him to the Pigeon Forge Wal-Mart, “Clear all Americans away from the tent section! Clear them away now and have the manager bring us fresh Kimchee! Chop Chop!”

The events that followed drew the ire of late-night Wal-Mart customers as security was forced to close off the entire sporting goods section of the store while Kim Jong-il and his mistresses roasted marshmallows and played some game that involved the words “I nuke you!” and lots of giggling.

“Well, I think it’s great that the Jong-ils had a fun night out,” said gossip blogger Perez Hilton, “They’re just like us, after all, aren’t they? It’s their time to shine, so let them shine a little bit! They are so cute, I could just soak them up and spread them all over me!”

Others were critical of the Jong-ils for vacationing at such a difficult time.

“Should he really be wasting so much taxpayer money on this frivolous crap while the economy is in the tank?” said Senator Mitch McConnell, “Come to think of it, he probably should. As a matter of fact, shouldn’t we have shot him or something while he was here? Did anybody know about this? Is this even plausible? What about the mistresses? Were they hot?”

Added McConnell, “I think I might have to take up binge drinking.”

Read more satire at The Endive!

Obama Nominates Mr. Potato Head for Supreme Court

By theendive, 27 May, 2009, 1 Comment

From The Endive…

In another historic move, President Obama has announced that Mr. Potato Head is his nominee for the nation’s highest court.

Judge Head would be the first Potato-American to serve on the court and only the third Justice in history with removable facial features.

“Mr. Potato Head reaches out to all Americans,” said the President, “He is empathetic. He comes from a modest background. And, of course, like many Americans he has to choose which nose to put on every morning.”

As reports about Judge Head’s qualifications are still forthcoming, they have been less interesting to the nation than the Judge’s modest background and historic disposition.

“He comes from a poor potato farm in Iowa,” said June Spudsworth, President of Potato-American Persons (PAP), “His home was dirty and he was surrounded by other Potato-Americans just like us. In spite of all that, he still managed to put on a good face and give himself an Ivy League Education.”

Judge Head’s years of service in the Iowa State Circuit Court proved less interesting to Americans who were excited that someone with interchangeable eyes might be our next Supreme Court Justice.

“Lots of us put on difference noses everyday,” said Tito Jackson, President of People with Interchangeable Facial Features (PIFF), “I’m so proud that our highest court will have a person on it who knows how hard it is to lean over and pick up your cell phone while having to worry that your nose might fall off.”

Members of PAP and PIFF came together for a rally Wednesday to voice their support of Judge Head, share stories, and on occasion, ears.

“I’m so excited to join together with PAP to voice our support of Judge Head,” said PIFF member Tori Spelling, “Sometimes I feel like a potato, myself, so I know what these people go through every day. The great thing is that so does Judge Head. He’ll reach out to PAP and PIFF, making sure that all Americans understand the importance of the PAP-PIFF-Populace.”

Republicans were still strategizing as of Wednesday to find the best way to oppose the nomination without alienating their own PAP and PIFF members.

“We don’t want to smear PAP, PIFF, or Judge Head,” said Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele, “We just want to take a neutral approach. We’ll be very courteous to Judge Head as he goes through the difficult confirmation hearings. Then, at the last second, we’ll snatch his lips and hide them so he can’t defend himself.”

Read more satire at The Endive!

North Korea Answers Critics

By theendive, 26 May, 2009, No Comment

A Featurette from The Endive

North Korea drew criticism worldwide after its recent nuke tests. Kim Jong Il has finally come out and explained what they need nuclear weapons for.

- Clearing a path to China because the brush got a little thick.

- For, you know, stuff.

- The 400 watt subwoofer in the back of Kin Jong Il’s Subaru just wasn’t kickin’ enough bass out.

- What else is a nuclear missile but a giant penis that makes a big boom? Now North Korea feels more adequate.

- They’ve been asking Denmark to shut the f**k up for ages. Now they’re hopeful Denmark will comply.

- They feared that complete nuclear disarmament might put an end to future Terminator sequels.

- Kim Jong Il plans to set a nuclear warhead on old Mr. McSweeney’s porch, light the fuse, knock on the door, hide in the bushes and watch while giggling.

- There was an empty spot in the arsenal between the machine guns and the rocket launchers that happened to be just the right size for a nuclear missile.

- His last enema didn’t do a damn thing.

- Kim Jong Il thinks U.N. inspectors are really cute when they get that mad, wrinkly brow.

Shmuck Leaves Shopping Cart in Parking Space

By theendive, 22 May, 2009, No Comment

From The Endive…

Harris Teeter was once again hit by a Shmuck.

The discovery was made Wednesday morning when a shopper attempted to park in the second parking space in from the front of the store and found it occupied by a shopping cart.

“What kind of a Shmuck would do this?” said Timothy Lane, who was hoping to purchase some nacho chips and cheese dip, “The cart return was in the parking lot less than ten feet away! I’m still mortified.”

According to Harris Teeter Manager Jerry Steiner, no less than 25 people began to park in the shmuck-affected space before realizing the cart had been left there.

“I had to park all the way over near the Applebee’s,” said shopper Frank Poloma, “Whoever the shmuck is that left the cart in that space ought to have his nipples hooked to a car battery. If I find that shmuck, I’m sticking each of his fingertips in an electric pencil sharpener.”

No employees at the Harris Teeter on Henry Road in Bluffington actually witnessed the heinous act of cart abandonment. The store manager was reluctant to comment.

“I’m reluctant to comment,” said Steiner, “We just don’t know who the shmuck was. It could have been a mother surrounded by kids. Then again, if that was the case, I think I could convince each of the kids to slap her in the face multiple times while my employees held her still. What a shmuck.”

Word of the act of pure shmuckery spread quickly and it wasn’t long before it became politicized.

“This is the result of eight years of failed policies from the Bush administration,” said President Obama, “His misuse of power and his cavalier attitude towards corporate greed allowed a free environment to be created where a shmuck can leave a shopping cart in one of the best parking spots at the Harris Teeter in Bluffington. That’s why we need to give that store $6.8 million in stimulus funds and have Nancy Pelosi and Barney Frank personally take over management of the store. They will work hard to ensure that those parking spaces are available to people who need them and that rich people do what’s right and park near the Applebee’s.”

Quickly firing back for the GOP was former Vice President Dick Cheney.

“President Obama’s dismantling of our terror infrastructure and outright socialist policies led to this mess,” said Cheney, “He’s created an American where a shmuck is emboldened to leave a shopping cart in the best space at the Harris Teeter in Bluffington and there’s nothing we can do about it. If I was still in charge, we’d find this shmuck and, after a few waterboarding sessions, he’d come clean.”

According to Steiner, the majority of his customers favored waterboarding the shopping cart shmuck, but were going to side with President Obama because his plan would force Harris Teeter to lower its prices on Lean Cuisine frozen dinners.

“I moved the cart,” added Harris Teeter employee Jamie Young, “The cart return spot was just ten feet away. I moved it there. The space is open. Oh, wait, nope, it’s gone.”

Read more satire at The Endive!