Socialist Squirrel

via email

A woman comes home and tells her husband,
‘Remember those headaches I’ve
been having.

All these years? Well,
they’re gone.’

‘No more headaches?’ the husband asks, ‘What happened?’

His wife replies, ‘Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me
to
stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,
‘ I do not
have a headache ‘
‘ I do not have a headache ‘
‘ I do not have a
headache ‘

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.’

Well,
that is wonderful’ proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, ‘You know,
you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years,
why don’t you go see the hypnotist
and
see if he can do anything for
that? ‘

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his
appointment, the husband comes home, rips! off his
clothes, picks
up his
wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and
says,

‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’

He goes into the bathroom and
comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed
and makes passionate
love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, ‘WOW! - that was
wonderful!’

The husband says, ‘Don’t move! I will be right back.’

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better
than
the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is
spinning ‘ OH MY GOD ‘ She proclaims.

Her husband again says, ‘Don’t
move, I’ll be right back.’

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she
sees
him standing at the mirror and saying.

‘She’s not my
wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife
‘

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

via email

OLDER THAN DIRT

“Someone asked the other day, “What was your
favorite fast food when you were growing up?”

“We didn’t have fast food when I was growing
up,” I informed him. “All the food was slow.”

“C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?”

“It was a place called ‘at home,’”
explained. “Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa
got home from work, we sat down together at the
dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on
my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like
it.”

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid
he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I
didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have
permission to leave the table. But here are some other
things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured
his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis,
set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or
had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a
revolving charge card.
The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it
was Sears AND Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was
mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle
that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed,
(slow). We didn’t have a television in our house until
I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was,
of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of
colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue,
like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass.
The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that
had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone’s lawn
on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of
the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called
“pizza pie.” When I bit into it, I burned the
roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down,
plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too.
It’s still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn’t have a car until I was 15. Before that,
the only car in our family was my grandfather’s De
Soto. He called it a “machine.”

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in
the house was in the living room and it was on a party
line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure
some people you didn’t know weren’t already using
theline.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys
delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a
week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2
cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday,
I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My
favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents
and told me to keep the change. My least favorite
customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on
collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least,
they did in the movies. Touching someone else’s tongue
with yours was called French kissing and they didn’t do
that in movies. I don’t know what they did in French
movies. French movies were dirty and we weren’t allowed
to see them

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast
food, you may want to share some of these memories with
your children or grandchildren. Just don’t blame me if
they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she
died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown
Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch
of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my
daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it
a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that
sat on the end of the ironing board to
“sprinkle” clothes with because we didn’t
have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were
old about .
Ratings at the bottom.
1 Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard
stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16 Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the
best part of my life.

Gary Varvel

Ken Catalino

Henry Payne

Glenn McCoy

Bob Gorrell