Socialist Squirrel

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

Tags: political humor

In The Know: Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?

Tags: political humor

A reading from the First Book of Latter Day Democrats

Tags: political humor

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The election day is over,

   The talking is done.

My party lost … your party won.

So let us be friends,

   Let arguments pass.

I’ll hug my elephant,

   You kiss your ass.

Tags: Fun Fridays

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Young Chuck in  Montana  bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out how to ‘bail us out’.

Tags: Fun, Young Chuck

At last…..our troubles are over…..this democracy thing was a bad idea from the start……….

 

 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

 

 

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

 

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

 

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

 

 

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

 

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 

———————–

 

 

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ’favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).

 

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’

 

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

 

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

——————–

 

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.

 

——————-

 

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed  with a cheese grater.

 

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11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 

 

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 

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13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.

 

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

 

——————

 

 

God Save the Queen!

 

PS:  Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Tags: Fun

Tags: Obamassiah

I think you will see the following sign pop up in small businesses all
over the country:

As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama officially becomes
president-elect, our company will instill a few new policies which are
in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:

1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and bonuses into a
common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will
serve to give those of you who are under-achieving a "fair shake".

2. All low level workers will be pooling their wages, including
overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst you. This
will help those who are "too busy for overtime" to reap the rewards
from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.

3. All top management will now be referred to as "the government." We

will not participate in this "pooling" experience because the law
doesn't apply to us.

4. The "government" will give eloquent speeches to all employees
every
week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard "for the good
of all".

5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's
"good to spread the wealth around". Those of you who have
underachieved
will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and
had success will feel more "patriotic".

6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks.
Don't feel bad, though, because President Obama will give you free
healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food
stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want
even if you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our
democratic congress, you might even get a free flat screen TV and a
coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice
looking hair?)!!!

If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want
to rethink your vote on November 4th.

Tags: New Business rules

I do not
H/T to Exurban League

Tags: Elections

H/T to Moonbattery

Tags: Obamazombies