Shmuck Leaves Shopping Cart in Parking Space

Harris Teeter was once again hit by a Shmuck.

The discovery was made Wednesday morning when a shopper attempted to park in the second parking space in from the front of the store and found it occupied by a shopping cart.

“What kind of a Shmuck would do this?” said Timothy Lane, who was hoping to purchase some nacho chips and cheese dip, “The cart return was in the parking lot less than ten feet away! I’m still mortified.”

According to Harris Teeter Manager Jerry Steiner, no less than 25 people began to park in the shmuck-affected space before realizing the cart had been left there.

“I had to park all the way over near the Applebee’s,” said shopper Frank Poloma, “Whoever the shmuck is that left the cart in that space ought to have his nipples hooked to a car battery. If I find that shmuck, I’m sticking each of his fingertips in an electric pencil sharpener.”

No employees at the Harris Teeter on Henry Road in Bluffington actually witnessed the heinous act of cart abandonment. The store manager was reluctant to comment.

“I’m reluctant to comment,” said Steiner, “We just don’t know who the shmuck was. It could have been a mother surrounded by kids. Then again, if that was the case, I think I could convince each of the kids to slap her in the face multiple times while my employees held her still. What a shmuck.”

Word of the act of pure shmuckery spread quickly and it wasn’t long before it became politicized.

“This is the result of eight years of failed policies from the Bush administration,” said President Obama, “His misuse of power and his cavalier attitude towards corporate greed allowed a free environment to be created where a shmuck can leave a shopping cart in one of the best parking spots at the Harris Teeter in Bluffington. That’s why we need to give that store $6.8 million in stimulus funds and have Nancy Pelosi and Barney Frank personally take over management of the store. They will work hard to ensure that those parking spaces are available to people who need them and that rich people do what’s right and park near the Applebee’s.”

Quickly firing back for the GOP was former Vice President Dick Cheney.

“President Obama’s dismantling of our terror infrastructure and outright socialist policies led to this mess,” said Cheney, “He’s created an American where a shmuck is emboldened to leave a shopping cart in the best space at the Harris Teeter in Bluffington and there’s nothing we can do about it. If I was still in charge, we’d find this shmuck and, after a few waterboarding sessions, he’d come clean.”

According to Steiner, the majority of his customers favored waterboarding the shopping cart shmuck, but were going to side with President Obama because his plan would force Harris Teeter to lower its prices on Lean Cuisine frozen dinners.

“I moved the cart,” added Harris Teeter employee Jamie Young, “The cart return spot was just ten feet away. I moved it there. The space is open. Oh, wait, nope, it’s gone.”

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